You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's blow job season.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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