How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Randomize
