You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
