Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
