she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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