I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
