It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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