Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize