I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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