I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
