you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
