I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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