im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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