we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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