Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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