Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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