i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
