I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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