omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
and you fell through a lawn chair
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