Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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