I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
