Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
