I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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