She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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