you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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