I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
