two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
