Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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