Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
