Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
