Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
