I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize