Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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