I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
