I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
