Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize