Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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