Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
