I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
