You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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