I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
