Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
