my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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