hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
