I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize