I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
