I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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