I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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