woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
