her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
