By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
