Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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