now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
