i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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