On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
